At 18, my life forever changed. On October 12th, I celebrated my nine year remission from a mental health disorder. However, this one hits different. Because last year, I learned a valuable, yet harsh lesson.
Last summer I was beyond swamped with work, filled my social calendar when I could and forced myself to go to the gym 7 days a week as a cathartic outlet. I went pedal to the metal at my job, hardly leaving any time to myself, let alone those closest to me. I felt severe pressure to please, no longer putting myself first and was TERRIFIED of failure and letting others down. I wanted to be perfect, I was willing to run through walls for people to make it happen. Little did I know, I was letting myself down in the biggest way.
At the end of August/beginning of September 2019, I was having a hard time physically and it took all the energy to stand. Being in denial, I thought I was worn down and burning out. I tried to ignore it. But something wasn’t right. I didn’t schedule a doctor’s appointment because I felt I “didn’t have time.” And for whatever reason, I didn’t feel that I could, I wanted to honor my commitments. By the end of September, I was worn down to the point where my organ’s were no longer functioning. It was hard for me to to verbalize complete, coherent sentences and was experiencing constant physical pain. I no longer had the energy to walk up the hills to my apartment and was experiencing severe cardiac arrhythmia, making it difficult to breath. It got to the point where I feared not waking up in the morning. Despite my best efforts to push forward, my mental and physical health were no longer functional, resulting in a forced transition period (to my complete surprise).
This was a gigantic test to both my mental health and character. Here I was, 26, 13 pounds underweight and physically weak. My clothing no longer fit, my eyes were sunken in and I had to have my groceries delivered because I didn’t have the energy to got to the store. I was heartbroken and felt completely hopeless. Throughout my entire life I had been the type A, driven achiever who killed it at school and in the work place. All I wanted was to achieve again, but I couldn’t be that person at the time. I had to step back and be honest with myself. If I ever wanted to be the person I knew myself to be, I needed to step back and put my physical health first.
I had to start completely from scratch and take baby steps. First, it began with getting back to a healthy weight. I set reminders on my phone to eat throughout the day and made the extra effort to have the proper nutrition in my diet. Next, I made a new daily schedule on my phone calendar and in my planner so I could get used to a structured day again. Once I became more rested and got to a healthier weight, I began going back to the gym 3-5 times a week in order to regain strength and endurance (thank you, Studio 3 Fitness). Through my new gym membership at Studio 3 Fitness, I discovered the most inspiring and rejuvenating community. I was able to step back, pause and set not only physical but mental goals in order to get my life on track. They helped both my confidence and my personality come back. I felt my identity coming back again, something that I completely lost that fall. All because I never learned to just stop. And since then, I have been actively working on all of these things, especially through the devastation of COVID.
Why do I share this? Because being a founder of a mental health business, I need to be honest with myself and for my followers. I realized all these years I had approached my routine and remission all wrong. The driven, type A perfectionist in me thought I had to be everyone’s everything. That I had to be perfect, perform flawlessly at work and be at the top level of fitness. The reality? “Perfect” does not exist. In fact, it is IMPOSSIBLE and the pressure behind it is downright ridiculous. I realized I was so focused on “pushing through” that I never learned to “press pause” and take time for myself. And that “pushing through” to be perfect almost killed me. “Pressing pause” is sometimes our exact secret to success and DIRELY important for our mental health.
Throughout the last year, especially with COVID’s effect on the economy, I’ve been forced to press pause and reflect. Who do I want to be? What kind of legacy do I want to leave? How can I help serve others? Where do I want to be? What can I do to make a difference for myself and other people? I have done some intense reflection, walked into issues I’ve never fully dealt with, met some wonderful people, had my heart shattered, been slapped down, got back up and started some incredible new journeys. In the last year, I’ve had things occur that have completely gutted me, but have taught me the most important lessons. By pressing pause I have learned that some things are simply time and place. That you can be as hard working, competent and qualified, but fair has nothing to do with anything. And that even if we do all the right things and do exactly what we’re told, some events that happen are just UNSPEAKABLY unfair, wrong and completely out of our control. It is difficult and painful to accept, but once we do, we are able to find the peace that allows us to grow and move forward. If the last year has taught me anything, its that some times, horrific things happen to us, but WE are NOT our situation or what happens to us. We are how we react and how we treat others.
If I’ve learned anything in 2020, it’s that “pressing pause” has been my best medicine for not only staying in remission, but in leading the healthiest and fullest life. It would’ve saved me a lot of stress and anxiety.
A year later, I sit here (near) fully recovered, healthy, laughing and smiling about what is next to come!
So the next time you’re overwhelmed and feel that “perfection” pressure? Step back. The next task you need to do? Take a 20 minute break. Eat something, grab water. Burnt out? Take that day off. You’ve not only earned it, but you deserve it. And for the love of God, that doctor’s appointment? BOOK IT! There is NOTHING more important than you and your health. Trust me, I learned the hardest way.
So take a deep breath in and take your best step forward for what’s next. And as a wise man once told me, be of good cheer!
And remember,
#PushThrough
